Eric Gardner

My Bio

My name is Eric Bsawsoaemo Gardner. I was born in Kerblachistan into a very wealthy family, with millions to spare. (If you need any money, just call me, it's no problem.) I grew up in Brandon, Florida, a town full of simpletons. I survived a torturous 4 years at Bloomingdale High School with the help of comforting music by my favorite bands, the Spice Girls, 98 Degrees, and Hansen. Bands I absolutely abhor include the Red Hot Chili Peppers (or should I say "silly peppers" -- LOL) and my all-time LEAST favorite, Metallica.

I joined False Impression after paying Kevin, Jarred, and Angela $500 each to include me in their oh-so-cool circle of friends. It worked out pretty well, since we are able to use the money to buy recordings of more talented bass guitarists to play during shows so it looks like I have some skill. Kevin sometimes asks me whether I ever feel like a phoney by putting on such facades, but I don't mind. I have nothing better to do. Anyways, if anyone ever said anything too demeaning about me, my powerful and influential father would sue that person's parents all the way to Naboo.

Since I am an RA, people often ask me for advice, particularly about romance. And since I am a rock star, everyone wants to go out with me... but the only woman in my life is the beautiful Erin (and Kevin's mom -- sshhhh). She is definitely my type: blonde with blue eyes, lovely fair skin -- I say this because I am highly prejudiced, so if you belong to or identify with ANY minority group, keep away or I will offend you intentionally.

Here are some other stats:

Fave color: pink
Fave movie: "Glitter" starring Mariah Carey
Fave food: anything, so long as it's vegan!
Fave song: "the Itsy-Bitsy Spider"
Fave smell: feet
Fave hobby: smelling feet while chewing bubble gum

Well, that's my story. Peace out and word to yo momma!

(Note: This is a fake bio that Eric's bandmates put up until he writes a real one. We love you Eric!)